Month: September 2016

Who Am I, After the Cancer?

It was weird after I finally made it out after my cancer treatments were over.  It was like time stopped for me. For the past several months, I was confined to my home by my sickness. But when it was over, and I went out, I saw that life went on. My friends continued on with their lives;  meeting new people, getting new jobs, new homes, new relationships and changing their looks and such.  I guess I expected everything to be the same, but it wasn’t.  Even the old stores I used to go to changed their layout.  The mall changed. A gas station shut down. I felt like I was a stranger.  That made me feel uncomfortable.

I didn’t want the world around me to change.  I needed it to be the same:  Waiting there to welcome me back and invite me to jump right in, just where I left off.  I needed that to happen. My life with cancer made every moment of every day different and unpredictable.  From day to day, I never knew what was going to happen; how I was going to feel; which part of my body was going to change or fall away overnight. With that uncertainty, the one thing I had hoped to depend on to help me find my place again, was the “outside world.”  I needed to find that place outside of myself that was familiar.  But even the grass grows around those things when you’ve been gone for so long.  Then, it looks different. It’s all different.  I suppose..I’m different too.

That was hard:  Realizing that while I was dealing with my cancer, time continued to flow. Nothing was the way it was.  No one was the same.  I am not…the same.  Of course I’m not.  But then who am I?  Cancer had once defined me.  It ruled my day, had power over my body.  But now it’s gone.  So. If I’m not that person with cancer, and if I can’t be that person I was before the cancer, how do I find the person I’m supposed to be? Where do I belong when everything and everyone else in my life continued with the flow of time while I was stuck? Where do I fit in?  

 

March 23, 2009: I Want My LIfe Back

I don’t remember the last time I got full nights sleep.  I’m on so much med’s right now I don’t know if I’m dreaming.  Seems like the only way I can get to sleep is if I pass out from drinking, that can’t be healthy.  So I’ll keep taking the pills.
The hot flashes, the nights I wakes up soaked in sweat like I had just taken a shower.  The leg pain in my bones!!  The pain is the worse.  Please make it stop!  I want to rest!!

The doctor says it’s a side effect from the hormone blockers I have to take to prevent the cancer from coming back. It’s called Tamoxifen.  I need to take it every day for 5 years!!!!   

I also get an implant every 30 days to shut my ovaries down.  That poison is called Zoladex and the fricken needle looks like an ice pick!  I take these for 2 years!!!!  That gives me cramps and migraines. 
 
 Last night I slept a couple hours.  But I’m sure my mind was still awake because I didn’t feel rested at all.  I don’t feel tired, nor do I feel awake.  What the hell?

I wish I was a bird so I could just go anywhere I wanted.  Away from this place.  Away and out of my body.  I’m so tired of all this crap.  Tired of looking at myself in the mirror.  Seeing that ugly face looking back at me!  Tired of this mess of a house.  I’m tired of being hottt!!!  I just want my life back.  I want to feel normal again.  I want to do what I used to do, and just not worry about shit.

Yeah, I know I’m sounding low.  I guess occassional depression is a side effect too.  I’ll be okay….I got pill for that too.  I just want to be back to when I didn’t have to take a whole bunch of med’s and didn’t have to worry if the cancer was coming back.

Ughh.  I just want to fly away…I want my life back

December 6, 2008: Crossing the Finish Line

End of Treatments

Crossing the Finish Line
 
One of my Doctors
This past Thursday, I finished my last day of treatment. The night before I kept checking my calendar making sure I got the date right.   I didn’t want it to be like the time I thought it was Friday at work, only to find out at the end of the day it was only Thursday. (It was a rough week.) 
 
In this case, it’s been a rough 6 months. But there I was, ready to cross the finish line.
Radiation was time consuming, taking up 3 hours of my day, every Monday through Friday for the past few months. Actually, it was 35 treatments plus 6 radiation boosts at the end. The treatment itself was only a few minutes long. It was the prep and the drive that took the longest. 
 
The ride, however, was made bearable only because I shared it with 14 other cancer patients. We all knew about surgery, chemo and rads. We shared the same concerns about our treatments and we all had radiation as the last part to cross on our way back to being healthy.
 
My Radiology Team
Saying goodbye to my radiation therapists was bittersweet. I was glad it was all over, but yet I wasn’t going to see these people again, and this made me sad. They helped cure me. 
 
Leaving my support group behind was also hard for me. As soon as I came out of the doctor’s office I was met by a round of applause from the waiting room patients. It really was like crossing that finish line. I could hear, “You did it! You did!” Most of them, I didn’t even know. But all of them knew how tough this journey was.   I did it.
Me and Deb, this journey brought us closer as friends

Well, after treatment I went to meet my dear old friends to watch the Chargers beat the Raiders. I hadn’t been to the old spot since I started chemo and it was very nice seeing everybody. It was like coming home and celebrating a victory. Actually…it was coming home….and it is a huge victory. My doctor actually showed up and a few drinks with us.

These friends were by my side from the beginning

Tonight will be a huge celebration for me.   I will be celebrating my birthday (belated) and my end of treatments.    This is really going to be a great night for me, I am so thankful for my friends and grateful for being done with everything.  I am thankful that I am here to share my story of survival.

Cheers to me

November 9, 2008: Bottom of the Well

                                                                   It’s dark and damp
I’m sitting at the very bottom covered in mud
and wet with tears
My voice is weak
my hands shake
I reach up to grab the wall
I can’t see
I can’t feel
walls are slick there is nothing to grab
I cry…help
weak, soft but with determination…HELP
Nothing
sounds hollow
I sob, I cry out…HELP
No one hears, no one knows I’m here
No one knows I’m here
but I’m here
Why won’t someone look for me and pull me out of here?
I can’t do it alone….help
I can’t, I can’t
I cry, I’m alone
No one hears me
Please….please someone look for me
I don’t want to die at the bottom of this well
alone
No one knows I’m here
I’m here

November 4, 2008: He Won’t Even Look At Me

My mom and dad were with me in June when I had the consultation with my surgeon.  Being in the medical field, it was comforting to have them there asking the questions I wouldn’t have thought of.  Although most of my dad’s questions were about quadrants and other medicalese fancy-talk, he did impress my doctor.  She had to look through the file to answer most of his questions.  Then he asked about my other breast.  My doctor explained that since the mammo was ok, no other tests were ordered.  My dad ordered them.

I went to have an ultrasound where they found two more questionable masses.  I had two more biopsies and had to wait for the results.  My surgery was scheduled for that Tuesday and I didn’t want to have to do it, only to find out I had to go back and have surgery on the other breast. I seriously wanted to postpone it til I got the results.  Well, luckily the tests came back negative and surgery went on as planned.
 
My dad is a dedicated doctor and a very hard worker.  I understood when he wasn’t able to be there for my surgery.  My mom and kids were along with Gary, Susan and Darci, that’s what mattered. I was not alone.  I understood when he was too busy to talk to me on the phone about my treatment options.  I understood why he couldn’t call me when I was in the hospital because he was tired from working all day and playing with the baby.  But I don’t understand why he won’t look at me…..
 
The last time I stayed with my parents down south, I noticed how uncomfortable it was for my dad to look at me.  When I hugged him he did the “pat on the back” thing.  When I came down for breakfast I sat at the table and he got up and put his dish in the sink, claiming he was done.  When I went in the living room to watch the Charger game with him, he went upstairs.  When I went upstairs to sit with him, he went downstairs to the kitchen.  Why?
 
Today I called to tell him I was going to visit soon and he quickly handed the phone to my mom.  I asked my mom if I was ugly, because dad won’t look at me, she just said….”You know how he is….” 
 
I don’t know what to do.  He won’t even look at me……..

November 2, 2008: What Do I do Now?

So….what now?

I finished chemo.  Yay!  Now I’m two weeks into radiation with only 4 weeks to go and……then what?
 
Right now I travel 45 minutes away every day for about 5 minutes of radiation. (That’s every day- 5 days a week for six weeks total!)   It makes me tired, but not like chemo tired.  Chemo knocked my ass out.  Rads makes me feel sleepy tired and lazy, that I can deal with.  Still have to deal with the frequent bone pain, hot flashes, dizziness and nausea.  But what can I do?  Somedays I can barely make it out of bed.  Missed a lot of work.  Hope I won’t get fired!
For the past 5 months I’ve been scheduling my life around the cancer. I put my life on hold because I wasn’t well enough to do the things I usually did.  It changed everything I was used to.  I can’t work my three jobs and I miss all my friends so much!
 
Cancer changed the way I felt about life.  It took away the parts of me that made me feel feminine.  My long hair is gone, part of my breast…..and my perception of myself has changed too.  When I look at myself I can see the toll this illness has taken on my poor little body.  Then I think….F*** you cancer!  Look what you did!  Now I gotta get myself back, take it back from that hell.
 
When I’m done with this shit I’ll know it took me 6 months to fight it.  Six months of my life that I can never get back!  Six months!!!  My life will never be the same.  But….one thing’s for sure, I’ll be alive to enjoy what life has in store for me next.  I feel like since I beat this I might be kinda invincible….you know like how the guys in the elevator felt after taking a potion? (Big Trouble in Little China)
 
Well, whatever….I still got a ways to go.  But the weird thing about it is when this is over, when there are no treatments to go to, no appointments……what do I do?  Actually, I probably mean….what do I do first?  When every hour of my life for the past 6 months was about cancer and the treatments and the suffering…
 
What do I do first?

screen-shot-2016-09-06-at-8-18-10-pmWe called ourselves “The Rad Squad” radiation therapy patients. We shared the shuttle ride every day for 45 minutes.  It was nice to make friends on the same journey.

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September 29, 2008: Last Round

That last round of chemo laid me out.  Seriously I was in sooo much pain, my hips, my back, my legs….I had to roll out of bed, fall to the ground and frickin crawl to the bathroom!  No shit, that is the truth.  I got sick and threw up that very night and every night after.  I even threw up the pills that were supposed to keep me from throwing up!  I couldn’t take my pain pills because they were upsetting my tummy and making me….throw up!  What a mess.  
 
Then I got a rash from the top of my bald ass coconut filipino head down to the soles of my monkey feet….owwy, itchy!  Bitch ass chemo!  It took me 2 weeks to rebound.
I started feeling better after Bob Marley visited me in a dream…or was it?  Anyways, I wasn’t nauseous when I woke up so I was able to take my pills and get out of bed…. then the Chargers beat the Jets…and I felt like getting out of bed and going to work.  

September 20, 2008: Not a Champ

I’m  not as strong as I thought.  It’s hard for me to sleep because of the bone pain, hot flashes and the nausea in the morning.  I’m missing work.  I can’t eat.  I can’t move.  The new girl at work is annoying and makes me dizzy with all her talking and I can’t focus.

Please make this stop.  I’m tired.

 

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September 10, 2008: New Wig

Back to Work with a Smile

My cousin Grace told me that she was able to go to work the whole time she was on chemo.  I’m a single mom, my son is in college and I really didn’t have a choice but to try to work through all of this.  I was working as a bartender on the weekends.  Everyone was very helpful and whenever I needed a break, there was always someone there to help.  But now school is starting and I needed to be there for the kids every day.
First of all, the PTA helped me buy an awesome wig.  I couldn’t believe how expensive they were!  Mine cost $170.00!  It was the best!  No one at work really noticed.  They called it my new “sassy” hairstyle.  I’m going to do this.  I’ll put on my smile and make this happen.  No one will even know!!