One Pink Warrior

September 10, 2008: New Wig

Back to Work with a Smile

My cousin Grace told me that she was able to go to work the whole time she was on chemo. I’m a single mom, my son is in college and I really didn’t have a choice but to try to work through all of this. I was working as a bartender on the weekends. Everyone was very helpful and whenever I needed a break, there was always someone there to help. But now school is starting and I needed to be there for the kids every day.

First of all, the PTA helped me buy an awesome wig. I couldn’t believe how expensive they were! Mine cost $170.00! It was the best! No one at work really noticed. They called it my new “sassy” hairstyle. I’m going to do this. I’ll put on my smile and make this happen. No one will even know!!

September 7, 2008: Second Round of Chemo

The last round of chemo kicked my ass. And it was only my second one! Damn. I thought I was a warrior. I thought I was gonna stand up to this thing, put up my dukes and beat the shit out of it. Ha! Guess I’m not as tough as I thought.

First of all, I had to go back to the doctor the day after chemo and for two days after that, to get shots to boost my white blood cells. So, that along with the chemo, took it’s toll on this little body of mine. The doctor keeps checking my kidneys and is concerned about the creatinine level being so high. I keep getting bone pains, rashes, insomnia, fatigue, dizzy spells, loss of appetite, my nails are turning purple……oh yeah…loss of my beautiful hair….waaahh… Damn you! I hate you cancer!

I just want to feel normal again. I want to feel strong. But now I worry what’s gonna happen next? My next round is tomorrow!!!! And I just started feeling better yesterday! Damn. I know this is the hard part and I’m gonna be a survivor, but…..this is really hard. Now I got to look forward to 5 hours of poison in my veins….. I would never, ever want any of my friends or family to have to experience this chemo shit. It’s really, really hard.

screen-shot-2016-09-06-at-7-56-22-pm — I hate you cancer

August 14, 2008: Is This Going to Work?

My next chemo is on Monday and I’m nervous about it. I went through so much with this first treatment, being in the hospital…quarantined and isolated from my friends and family, I just don’t know how I’ll do this time around. I’ve already lost my appetite (and10 lbs), almost all of my hair, and most nights I can’t even sleep……..this is really hard.

I think the worse part is that most of the time I feel fine, then the fatigue hits me and I have to stop and rest. Just imagine checking the mail or even doing the dishes and all of a sudden you get dizzy and have to sit down and catch your breath. Imagine not being able to stay awake or get out of bed. It’s so unpredictable.

I’m really not looking forward to getting that needle stuck in my arm and sitting there for 4 hours or whatever feeling the burn in my veins to my brain. What if I get sick again and end up in the hospital? I’m really scared this time.

August 10, 2008: Emergency Room

Just Out of the Hospital

Well, now I know why I was so fricken hot all those days….I was 101 degrees of pure hotness for real! I had a fever and ended going to the ER. Wow what an experience!

When I got there they took me right away. My temp was 101.8 and they took blood tests stat. I was very weak and shaking uncontrollably with the chills. They wouldn’t give me a blanket because they wanted the temp reading to be accurate. When the tests came back and they were sure I had a fever, they let me warm up and put me on an IV.

3 times a day in the stomach

My white blood cell count was barely 1,000. Normal WBC is 4,000-10,000. What? I was fine wasn’t I? I’ve been staying home, being a good girl. Well, I did lose my appetite and wasn’t eating right. I was also running around doing errands….I just felt hot. If I didn’t get dizzy I wouldn’t have gone to the ER. Thank God I did.

I was admitted to the hospital that day and got a lovely, private, lakeview room. It was private cuz I was put in isolation. I was real vulnerable to infections and such so I had to be put in solitary to protect myself. Everyone who came in had to be sterile and covered up. It was very clean, even the air was pure.

Smiling cuz I have to

The first night was hell; fighting the chills, bone pain, the uncertainty of whether I was gonna live or die. I felt like my soul was falling away from me. I cried a lot. I had to have injections in my stomach along with continuous antibiotics by IV. My temp would keep spiking, the highest was 102. Every night at 3am I would have my blood drawn. Freaked me out every time! Somehow, when I fell asleep, I always forgot I was in the hospital. Then I’d wake up and remember…..oh yeah, I’m in hell. But wait…it gets worse.

On my 3rd day in the hospital (Day 11 after my first chemo) I started to lose my hair. Little strands started coming out when I ran my fingers through my hair. Then on day 12, I was losing handfuls! Nothing worse than losing your hair and not being able to get out of bed.

Thank God I was released that day. There was hair everywhere!!!! Yikes. And I still had a lot of hair left on my head.

I got home and cut it off! I didn’t do too bad. I wasn’t ready to go bald yet…don’t think I would do it on purpose.

Besides all that…whatever, it’ll grow back. I’m home now, in quarantine for a couple days, but feelin A-OK. I’m alive…..and ready for my next chemo…on the 18th. Or am I? Dam……which wall should I climb first?

August 1, 2008: Chemo Cocktails

I really worked myself up for this whole chemo journey. I didn’t know what to expect. Would it hurt? What would it feel like racing through my veins? Was I gonna throw up? Well, I made it through the first day, and it really wasn’t that bad.First of all, I had a great nurse. She was filipino…imagine that! A filipino nurse! She was so gentle. I hate needles and I was sure glad she was careful. I did cry when it went in, but just cuz I THOUGHT it was gonna hurt, not cuz it did. i was already woozy from the drug they gave me earlier to prevent allergic reactions, so when the IV started I was well on my way to happy town.The first “cocktail” was pretty heavy duty. It was administered slowly at first to gauge my tolerance, but still took 3 hours to finish. Aside from the expected burning of the poison going into my veins there was also a weird icy feeling. As the cocktail was going in my body, I could really feel it hitting my brain and it made my body buzz all over. My heart felt like it skipped a couple times which set off the alarm, but I guess it was ok, I’m still here right? The last medication only took an hour. I was there for 4 hours!

I really didn’t feel anything noticeably different that night, or the day after. I was real thirsty, I couldn’t get enough water to quench me, I wasn’t nauseous….I just felt weird. Like I was stoned or something. I just sat around and did sodoku. Then the earthquake…I thought I was gonna get sick from the rolling around…

Well here it is 4 days after my first chemo day and I am starting to notice a few things. Last night my legs were killing me. The pain in my bones kept me up the whole night. Another thing I’ve noticed is I can’t taste anything. I guess this is when things will start getting weird huh? Now I’m also starting to feel a little nausea. Especially when I smell the neighbors cooking. Smells like dog.

check in on me to see how I’m doing…..I’ll keep in touch! Gonna throw up now….

screen-shot-2016-09-06-at-6-42-17-pm

screen-shot-2016-09-06-at-6-42-55-pm — My son working on homework while I have a cocktail

July 27, 2008: It All Starts Tomorrow

Well tomorrow I start chemo. I haven’t really been able to sleep, I’m so obsessed with getting this all over with. Lately, I’ve started wondering if I was making the right choice. There are severe and sometimes permanent side effects. One of them was permanent nerve damage. Another was blindness and organ damage (liver, heart , kidneys..)..so, I obsess about these things too.

Everything has happened so fast. Every time I start to feel afraid, I try to remember how much I want to live. How much I want to beat this thing and live my life. There so much I want to do…I really need to be strong and just do this. But I am afraid. What if it doesn’t work? I guess there are times when a person just has to take a leap of faith, right? it all starts tomorrow.

July 23, 2008: Sometimes I’m Not Ok

Sometimes I’m Not Ok

Sooner or later it all comes spilling out
Can’t hold in the fears….
push down the tears….. stuff my soul with everything I need to hide away…..away
Stand tall
Breathe deep
Push it down
Smile
Show how strong I am….
I am for my family…..
for my friends…..
for my students…..for hope
I am strong but then, it gets to the point
It’s quiet…
no ones watching, no one can hear me it hits me….
it’s a heavy burden to bear
It breaks
It spills
let go the fears .. .let out the tears.. .free my soul… let it go
Sometimes I’m not okay…..I’m not okay, I’m not okay

Chemo starts Monday

July 14, 2008: Scars

I had my surgery the first of this month. I guess that was the easy part of this new challenge in my life. Everything has happened so fast, my head still spins when I think about how little time has passed since I was diagnosed with breast cancer. June 10th…

I have a couple new scars to add to my heart shaped one: A crescent moon on one breast and an ugly 2 inch scar under my arm where they took out the lymph nodes. That one hurt the most. For the first few days after the surgery I was drugged up because it was hard for me to move around without being in pain. It was hard to breathe, I couldn’t sit up. Thank God for my mom, she stayed to take care of me. And most importantly, fed me my pills.

Now it’s 2 weeks since my surgery and my stitches are gone and I’m feeling a little more like myself, I know I still have chemo and radiation coming up, but knowing the cancer is out makes me feel a little lighter.

When I look in the mirror now, I still look like the same person, feel the same, but I can see the scars. When I see them, I remember the pain, I feel my fear return and my scars remind me….I have a long road ahead of me. I don’t know what I can do to make this easier, I just know that I have to. And this will be very hard for me to do.

I see my oncologist next week…I’m gonna lose my hair!

June 18, 2008: Denial

I’m having a bad day today. I met my surgeon, we ran some more tests…we’ve decided to have the surgery in a couple weeks. I’m scared. I will have to have chemo along with radiation…..I’ve decide that I’m in the “denial” stage and really want to be a trainwreck right now…but I’m going to keep it together. Please pray for me.

The Day I Found Out I Had Cancer

It’s Cancer- June 10, 2008 The Day I found Out I Had Cancer

I finally had a dreaded mammogram a couple weeks ago and I’m very glad that I did. After a week I was called back in to have an ultrasound done at which time my doctor decided to do a biopsy. The following week was hell but nothing could have prepared me for what I was told yesterday in the doctor’s office.

I have breast cancer. It has started in a lobule in my left breast where it has nested and begun to spread. I’m very lucky it was caught early and they are very positive about my recovery. While my head spins with so many questions and regrets, I can’t really recall anything else the doctor said after that. Something about scheduling surgery, radiation…i don’t know it all swirled around my head, not getting to my brain.

The first thing I did was break down and cry. I called my family…whoa is me…then I cried some more. I smoked a lot and decided to do a shot of jack. To calm the nerves…really…so I could figure out what to do next. What I decided to do was call a friend, go to the bar and watch the Laker game. Yeah. That’ll get my mind off it for awhile. And it did. But I can’t remember who won the game and I still don’t know where to go from here.

Well, now that it has settled in a bit and have decided to find out more about this….I’m going to read the book they gave me and get my questions together for my surgical consult on Tuesday. Back at work today my team rallied their support and now I have so many resources. Now I feel a little more settled, at least in the knowing that others have made it, and I can too. I just need to keep positive and keep strong. This is going to be a long fight.

Now…how do I tell the kids?