chemo – One Pink Warrior

Who Am I, After the Cancer?

It was weird after I finally made it out after my cancer treatments were over. It was like time stopped for me. For the past several months, I was confined to my home by my sickness. But when it was over, and I went out, I saw that life went on. My friends continued on with their lives; meeting new people, getting new jobs, new homes, new relationships and changing their looks and such. I guess I expected everything to be the same, but it wasn’t. Even the old stores I used to go to changed their layout. The mall changed. A gas station shut down. I felt like I was a stranger. That made me feel uncomfortable.

I didn’t want the world around me to change. I needed it to be the same: Waiting there to welcome me back and invite me to jump right in, just where I left off. I needed that to happen. My life with cancer made every moment of every day different and unpredictable. From day to day, I never knew what was going to happen; how I was going to feel; which part of my body was going to change or fall away overnight. With that uncertainty, the one thing I had hoped to depend on to help me find my place again, was the “outside world.” I needed to find that place outside of myself that was familiar. But even the grass grows around those things when you’ve been gone for so long. Then, it looks different. It’s all different. I suppose..I’m different too.

That was hard: Realizing that while I was dealing with my cancer, time continued to flow. Nothing was the way it was. No one was the same. I am not…the same. Of course I’m not. But then who am I? Cancer had once defined me. It ruled my day, had power over my body. But now it’s gone. So. If I’m not that person with cancer, and if I can’t be that person I was before the cancer, how do I find the person I’m supposed to be? Where do I belong when everything and everyone else in my life continued with the flow of time while I was stuck? Where do I fit in?

December 6, 2008: Crossing the Finish Line

End of Treatments

Crossing the Finish Line

One of my Doctors

This past Thursday, I finished my last day of treatment. The night before I kept checking my calendar making sure I got the date right. I didn’t want it to be like the time I thought it was Friday at work, only to find out at the end of the day it was only Thursday. (It was a rough week.)

In this case, it’s been a rough 6 months. But there I was, ready to cross the finish line.

Radiation was time consuming, taking up 3 hours of my day, every Monday through Friday for the past few months. Actually, it was 35 treatments plus 6 radiation boosts at the end. The treatment itself was only a few minutes long. It was the prep and the drive that took the longest.

The ride, however, was made bearable only because I shared it with 14 other cancer patients. We all knew about surgery, chemo and rads. We shared the same concerns about our treatments and we all had radiation as the last part to cross on our way back to being healthy.

My Radiology Team

Saying goodbye to my radiation therapists was bittersweet. I was glad it was all over, but yet I wasn’t going to see these people again, and this made me sad. They helped cure me.

Leaving my support group behind was also hard for me. As soon as I came out of the doctor’s office I was met by a round of applause from the waiting room patients. It really was like crossing that finish line. I could hear, “You did it! You did!” Most of them, I didn’t even know. But all of them knew how tough this journey was. I did it.

Me and Deb, this journey brought us closer as friends

Well, after treatment I went to meet my dear old friends to watch the Chargers beat the Raiders. I hadn’t been to the old spot since I started chemo and it was very nice seeing everybody. It was like coming home and celebrating a victory. Actually…it was coming home….and it is a huge victory. My doctor actually showed up and a few drinks with us.

These friends were by my side from the beginning

Tonight will be a huge celebration for me. I will be celebrating my birthday (belated) and my end of treatments. This is really going to be a great night for me, I am so thankful for my friends and grateful for being done with everything. I am thankful that I am here to share my story of survival.

Cheers to me

September 20, 2008: Not a Champ

I’m not as strong as I thought. It’s hard for me to sleep because of the bone pain, hot flashes and the nausea in the morning. I’m missing work. I can’t eat. I can’t move. The new girl at work is annoying and makes me dizzy with all her talking and I can’t focus.

Please make this stop. I’m tired.

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September 10, 2008: New Wig

Back to Work with a Smile

My cousin Grace told me that she was able to go to work the whole time she was on chemo. I’m a single mom, my son is in college and I really didn’t have a choice but to try to work through all of this. I was working as a bartender on the weekends. Everyone was very helpful and whenever I needed a break, there was always someone there to help. But now school is starting and I needed to be there for the kids every day.

First of all, the PTA helped me buy an awesome wig. I couldn’t believe how expensive they were! Mine cost $170.00! It was the best! No one at work really noticed. They called it my new “sassy” hairstyle. I’m going to do this. I’ll put on my smile and make this happen. No one will even know!!

September 7, 2008: Second Round of Chemo

The last round of chemo kicked my ass. And it was only my second one! Damn. I thought I was a warrior. I thought I was gonna stand up to this thing, put up my dukes and beat the shit out of it. Ha! Guess I’m not as tough as I thought.

First of all, I had to go back to the doctor the day after chemo and for two days after that, to get shots to boost my white blood cells. So, that along with the chemo, took it’s toll on this little body of mine. The doctor keeps checking my kidneys and is concerned about the creatinine level being so high. I keep getting bone pains, rashes, insomnia, fatigue, dizzy spells, loss of appetite, my nails are turning purple……oh yeah…loss of my beautiful hair….waaahh… Damn you! I hate you cancer!

I just want to feel normal again. I want to feel strong. But now I worry what’s gonna happen next? My next round is tomorrow!!!! And I just started feeling better yesterday! Damn. I know this is the hard part and I’m gonna be a survivor, but…..this is really hard. Now I got to look forward to 5 hours of poison in my veins….. I would never, ever want any of my friends or family to have to experience this chemo shit. It’s really, really hard.

screen-shot-2016-09-06-at-7-56-22-pm — I hate you cancer

August 14, 2008: Is This Going to Work?

My next chemo is on Monday and I’m nervous about it. I went through so much with this first treatment, being in the hospital…quarantined and isolated from my friends and family, I just don’t know how I’ll do this time around. I’ve already lost my appetite (and10 lbs), almost all of my hair, and most nights I can’t even sleep……..this is really hard.

I think the worse part is that most of the time I feel fine, then the fatigue hits me and I have to stop and rest. Just imagine checking the mail or even doing the dishes and all of a sudden you get dizzy and have to sit down and catch your breath. Imagine not being able to stay awake or get out of bed. It’s so unpredictable.

I’m really not looking forward to getting that needle stuck in my arm and sitting there for 4 hours or whatever feeling the burn in my veins to my brain. What if I get sick again and end up in the hospital? I’m really scared this time.

August 10, 2008: Emergency Room

Just Out of the Hospital

Well, now I know why I was so fricken hot all those days….I was 101 degrees of pure hotness for real! I had a fever and ended going to the ER. Wow what an experience!

When I got there they took me right away. My temp was 101.8 and they took blood tests stat. I was very weak and shaking uncontrollably with the chills. They wouldn’t give me a blanket because they wanted the temp reading to be accurate. When the tests came back and they were sure I had a fever, they let me warm up and put me on an IV.

3 times a day in the stomach

My white blood cell count was barely 1,000. Normal WBC is 4,000-10,000. What? I was fine wasn’t I? I’ve been staying home, being a good girl. Well, I did lose my appetite and wasn’t eating right. I was also running around doing errands….I just felt hot. If I didn’t get dizzy I wouldn’t have gone to the ER. Thank God I did.

I was admitted to the hospital that day and got a lovely, private, lakeview room. It was private cuz I was put in isolation. I was real vulnerable to infections and such so I had to be put in solitary to protect myself. Everyone who came in had to be sterile and covered up. It was very clean, even the air was pure.

Smiling cuz I have to

The first night was hell; fighting the chills, bone pain, the uncertainty of whether I was gonna live or die. I felt like my soul was falling away from me. I cried a lot. I had to have injections in my stomach along with continuous antibiotics by IV. My temp would keep spiking, the highest was 102. Every night at 3am I would have my blood drawn. Freaked me out every time! Somehow, when I fell asleep, I always forgot I was in the hospital. Then I’d wake up and remember…..oh yeah, I’m in hell. But wait…it gets worse.

On my 3rd day in the hospital (Day 11 after my first chemo) I started to lose my hair. Little strands started coming out when I ran my fingers through my hair. Then on day 12, I was losing handfuls! Nothing worse than losing your hair and not being able to get out of bed.

Thank God I was released that day. There was hair everywhere!!!! Yikes. And I still had a lot of hair left on my head.

I got home and cut it off! I didn’t do too bad. I wasn’t ready to go bald yet…don’t think I would do it on purpose.

Besides all that…whatever, it’ll grow back. I’m home now, in quarantine for a couple days, but feelin A-OK. I’m alive…..and ready for my next chemo…on the 18th. Or am I? Dam……which wall should I climb first?

August 1, 2008: Chemo Cocktails

I really worked myself up for this whole chemo journey. I didn’t know what to expect. Would it hurt? What would it feel like racing through my veins? Was I gonna throw up? Well, I made it through the first day, and it really wasn’t that bad.First of all, I had a great nurse. She was filipino…imagine that! A filipino nurse! She was so gentle. I hate needles and I was sure glad she was careful. I did cry when it went in, but just cuz I THOUGHT it was gonna hurt, not cuz it did. i was already woozy from the drug they gave me earlier to prevent allergic reactions, so when the IV started I was well on my way to happy town.The first “cocktail” was pretty heavy duty. It was administered slowly at first to gauge my tolerance, but still took 3 hours to finish. Aside from the expected burning of the poison going into my veins there was also a weird icy feeling. As the cocktail was going in my body, I could really feel it hitting my brain and it made my body buzz all over. My heart felt like it skipped a couple times which set off the alarm, but I guess it was ok, I’m still here right? The last medication only took an hour. I was there for 4 hours!

I really didn’t feel anything noticeably different that night, or the day after. I was real thirsty, I couldn’t get enough water to quench me, I wasn’t nauseous….I just felt weird. Like I was stoned or something. I just sat around and did sodoku. Then the earthquake…I thought I was gonna get sick from the rolling around…

Well here it is 4 days after my first chemo day and I am starting to notice a few things. Last night my legs were killing me. The pain in my bones kept me up the whole night. Another thing I’ve noticed is I can’t taste anything. I guess this is when things will start getting weird huh? Now I’m also starting to feel a little nausea. Especially when I smell the neighbors cooking. Smells like dog.

check in on me to see how I’m doing…..I’ll keep in touch! Gonna throw up now….

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screen-shot-2016-09-06-at-6-42-55-pm — My son working on homework while I have a cocktail

July 23, 2008: Sometimes I’m Not Ok

Sometimes I’m Not Ok

Sooner or later it all comes spilling out
Can’t hold in the fears….
push down the tears….. stuff my soul with everything I need to hide away…..away
Stand tall
Breathe deep
Push it down
Smile
Show how strong I am….
I am for my family…..
for my friends…..
for my students…..for hope
I am strong but then, it gets to the point
It’s quiet…
no ones watching, no one can hear me it hits me….
it’s a heavy burden to bear
It breaks
It spills
let go the fears .. .let out the tears.. .free my soul… let it go
Sometimes I’m not okay…..I’m not okay, I’m not okay

Chemo starts Monday

July 14, 2008: Scars

I had my surgery the first of this month. I guess that was the easy part of this new challenge in my life. Everything has happened so fast, my head still spins when I think about how little time has passed since I was diagnosed with breast cancer. June 10th…

I have a couple new scars to add to my heart shaped one: A crescent moon on one breast and an ugly 2 inch scar under my arm where they took out the lymph nodes. That one hurt the most. For the first few days after the surgery I was drugged up because it was hard for me to move around without being in pain. It was hard to breathe, I couldn’t sit up. Thank God for my mom, she stayed to take care of me. And most importantly, fed me my pills.

Now it’s 2 weeks since my surgery and my stitches are gone and I’m feeling a little more like myself, I know I still have chemo and radiation coming up, but knowing the cancer is out makes me feel a little lighter.

When I look in the mirror now, I still look like the same person, feel the same, but I can see the scars. When I see them, I remember the pain, I feel my fear return and my scars remind me….I have a long road ahead of me. I don’t know what I can do to make this easier, I just know that I have to. And this will be very hard for me to do.

I see my oncologist next week…I’m gonna lose my hair!