Tag: side effects

November 4, 2008: He Won’t Even Look At Me

My mom and dad were with me in June when I had the consultation with my surgeon.  Being in the medical field, it was comforting to have them there asking the questions I wouldn’t have thought of.  Although most of my dad’s questions were about quadrants and other medicalese fancy-talk, he did impress my doctor.  She had to look through the file to answer most of his questions.  Then he asked about my other breast.  My doctor explained that since the mammo was ok, no other tests were ordered.  My dad ordered them.

I went to have an ultrasound where they found two more questionable masses.  I had two more biopsies and had to wait for the results.  My surgery was scheduled for that Tuesday and I didn’t want to have to do it, only to find out I had to go back and have surgery on the other breast. I seriously wanted to postpone it til I got the results.  Well, luckily the tests came back negative and surgery went on as planned.
 
My dad is a dedicated doctor and a very hard worker.  I understood when he wasn’t able to be there for my surgery.  My mom and kids were along with Gary, Susan and Darci, that’s what mattered. I was not alone.  I understood when he was too busy to talk to me on the phone about my treatment options.  I understood why he couldn’t call me when I was in the hospital because he was tired from working all day and playing with the baby.  But I don’t understand why he won’t look at me…..
 
The last time I stayed with my parents down south, I noticed how uncomfortable it was for my dad to look at me.  When I hugged him he did the “pat on the back” thing.  When I came down for breakfast I sat at the table and he got up and put his dish in the sink, claiming he was done.  When I went in the living room to watch the Charger game with him, he went upstairs.  When I went upstairs to sit with him, he went downstairs to the kitchen.  Why?
 
Today I called to tell him I was going to visit soon and he quickly handed the phone to my mom.  I asked my mom if I was ugly, because dad won’t look at me, she just said….”You know how he is….” 
 
I don’t know what to do.  He won’t even look at me……..

September 20, 2008: Not a Champ

I’m  not as strong as I thought.  It’s hard for me to sleep because of the bone pain, hot flashes and the nausea in the morning.  I’m missing work.  I can’t eat.  I can’t move.  The new girl at work is annoying and makes me dizzy with all her talking and I can’t focus.

Please make this stop.  I’m tired.

 

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August 10, 2008: Emergency Room

Just Out of the Hospital

Well, now I know why I was so fricken hot all those days….I was 101 degrees of pure hotness for real!  I had a fever and ended going to the ER.  Wow what an experience!
 
When I got there they took me right away.  My temp was 101.8 and they took blood tests stat.  I was very weak and shaking uncontrollably with the chills.  They  wouldn’t give me a blanket because they wanted the temp reading to be accurate.  When the tests came back and they were sure I had a fever, they let me warm up and put me on an IV.
 
3 times a day in the stomach

My white blood cell count was barely 1,000.  Normal WBC is 4,000-10,000.  What?  I was fine wasn’t I?  I’ve been staying home, being a good girl.  Well, I did lose my appetite and wasn’t eating right.  I was also running around doing errands….I just felt hot.  If I didn’t get dizzy I wouldn’t have gone to the ER.  Thank God I did.

 
I was admitted to the hospital that day and got a lovely, private, lakeview room.  It was private cuz I was put in isolation.  I was real vulnerable to infections and such so I had to be put in solitary to protect myself.  Everyone who came in had to be sterile and covered up.  It was very clean, even the air was pure.
 
Smiling cuz I have to

The first night was hell; fighting the chills, bone pain, the uncertainty of whether I was gonna live or die.  I felt like my soul was falling away from me.  I cried a lot.  I had to have injections in my stomach along with continuous antibiotics by IV.  My temp would keep spiking, the highest was 102.  Every night at 3am I would have my blood drawn.  Freaked me out every time!  Somehow, when I fell asleep, I always forgot I was in the hospital.  Then I’d wake up and remember…..oh yeah, I’m in hell.  But wait…it gets worse.

 
On my 3rd day in the hospital (Day 11 after my first chemo) I started to lose my hair.  Little strands started coming out when I ran my fingers through my hair.  Then on day 12, I was losing handfuls!  Nothing worse than losing your hair and not being able to get out of bed.  
 
Thank God I was released that day.  There was hair everywhere!!!!  Yikes.   And I still had a lot of hair left on my head.
 
I got home and cut it off!  I didn’t do too bad.  I wasn’t ready to go bald yet…don’t think I would do it on purpose.
 
Besides all that…whatever, it’ll grow back.  I’m home now, in quarantine for a couple days, but feelin A-OK.  I’m alive…..and ready for my next chemo…on the 18th.  Or am I?   Dam……which wall should I climb first?