surgery – One Pink Warrior

September 7, 2008: Second Round of Chemo

The last round of chemo kicked my ass. And it was only my second one! Damn. I thought I was a warrior. I thought I was gonna stand up to this thing, put up my dukes and beat the shit out of it. Ha! Guess I’m not as tough as I thought.

First of all, I had to go back to the doctor the day after chemo and for two days after that, to get shots to boost my white blood cells. So, that along with the chemo, took it’s toll on this little body of mine. The doctor keeps checking my kidneys and is concerned about the creatinine level being so high. I keep getting bone pains, rashes, insomnia, fatigue, dizzy spells, loss of appetite, my nails are turning purple……oh yeah…loss of my beautiful hair….waaahh… Damn you! I hate you cancer!

I just want to feel normal again. I want to feel strong. But now I worry what’s gonna happen next? My next round is tomorrow!!!! And I just started feeling better yesterday! Damn. I know this is the hard part and I’m gonna be a survivor, but…..this is really hard. Now I got to look forward to 5 hours of poison in my veins….. I would never, ever want any of my friends or family to have to experience this chemo shit. It’s really, really hard.

screen-shot-2016-09-06-at-7-56-22-pm — I hate you cancer

August 14, 2008: Is This Going to Work?

My next chemo is on Monday and I’m nervous about it. I went through so much with this first treatment, being in the hospital…quarantined and isolated from my friends and family, I just don’t know how I’ll do this time around. I’ve already lost my appetite (and10 lbs), almost all of my hair, and most nights I can’t even sleep……..this is really hard.

I think the worse part is that most of the time I feel fine, then the fatigue hits me and I have to stop and rest. Just imagine checking the mail or even doing the dishes and all of a sudden you get dizzy and have to sit down and catch your breath. Imagine not being able to stay awake or get out of bed. It’s so unpredictable.

I’m really not looking forward to getting that needle stuck in my arm and sitting there for 4 hours or whatever feeling the burn in my veins to my brain. What if I get sick again and end up in the hospital? I’m really scared this time.

August 10, 2008: Emergency Room

Just Out of the Hospital

Well, now I know why I was so fricken hot all those days….I was 101 degrees of pure hotness for real! I had a fever and ended going to the ER. Wow what an experience!

When I got there they took me right away. My temp was 101.8 and they took blood tests stat. I was very weak and shaking uncontrollably with the chills. They wouldn’t give me a blanket because they wanted the temp reading to be accurate. When the tests came back and they were sure I had a fever, they let me warm up and put me on an IV.

3 times a day in the stomach

My white blood cell count was barely 1,000. Normal WBC is 4,000-10,000. What? I was fine wasn’t I? I’ve been staying home, being a good girl. Well, I did lose my appetite and wasn’t eating right. I was also running around doing errands….I just felt hot. If I didn’t get dizzy I wouldn’t have gone to the ER. Thank God I did.

I was admitted to the hospital that day and got a lovely, private, lakeview room. It was private cuz I was put in isolation. I was real vulnerable to infections and such so I had to be put in solitary to protect myself. Everyone who came in had to be sterile and covered up. It was very clean, even the air was pure.

Smiling cuz I have to

The first night was hell; fighting the chills, bone pain, the uncertainty of whether I was gonna live or die. I felt like my soul was falling away from me. I cried a lot. I had to have injections in my stomach along with continuous antibiotics by IV. My temp would keep spiking, the highest was 102. Every night at 3am I would have my blood drawn. Freaked me out every time! Somehow, when I fell asleep, I always forgot I was in the hospital. Then I’d wake up and remember…..oh yeah, I’m in hell. But wait…it gets worse.

On my 3rd day in the hospital (Day 11 after my first chemo) I started to lose my hair. Little strands started coming out when I ran my fingers through my hair. Then on day 12, I was losing handfuls! Nothing worse than losing your hair and not being able to get out of bed.

Thank God I was released that day. There was hair everywhere!!!! Yikes. And I still had a lot of hair left on my head.

I got home and cut it off! I didn’t do too bad. I wasn’t ready to go bald yet…don’t think I would do it on purpose.

Besides all that…whatever, it’ll grow back. I’m home now, in quarantine for a couple days, but feelin A-OK. I’m alive…..and ready for my next chemo…on the 18th. Or am I? Dam……which wall should I climb first?

August 1, 2008: Chemo Cocktails

I really worked myself up for this whole chemo journey. I didn’t know what to expect. Would it hurt? What would it feel like racing through my veins? Was I gonna throw up? Well, I made it through the first day, and it really wasn’t that bad.First of all, I had a great nurse. She was filipino…imagine that! A filipino nurse! She was so gentle. I hate needles and I was sure glad she was careful. I did cry when it went in, but just cuz I THOUGHT it was gonna hurt, not cuz it did. i was already woozy from the drug they gave me earlier to prevent allergic reactions, so when the IV started I was well on my way to happy town.The first “cocktail” was pretty heavy duty. It was administered slowly at first to gauge my tolerance, but still took 3 hours to finish. Aside from the expected burning of the poison going into my veins there was also a weird icy feeling. As the cocktail was going in my body, I could really feel it hitting my brain and it made my body buzz all over. My heart felt like it skipped a couple times which set off the alarm, but I guess it was ok, I’m still here right? The last medication only took an hour. I was there for 4 hours!

I really didn’t feel anything noticeably different that night, or the day after. I was real thirsty, I couldn’t get enough water to quench me, I wasn’t nauseous….I just felt weird. Like I was stoned or something. I just sat around and did sodoku. Then the earthquake…I thought I was gonna get sick from the rolling around…

Well here it is 4 days after my first chemo day and I am starting to notice a few things. Last night my legs were killing me. The pain in my bones kept me up the whole night. Another thing I’ve noticed is I can’t taste anything. I guess this is when things will start getting weird huh? Now I’m also starting to feel a little nausea. Especially when I smell the neighbors cooking. Smells like dog.

check in on me to see how I’m doing…..I’ll keep in touch! Gonna throw up now….

screen-shot-2016-09-06-at-6-42-17-pm

screen-shot-2016-09-06-at-6-42-55-pm — My son working on homework while I have a cocktail

July 14, 2008: Scars

I had my surgery the first of this month. I guess that was the easy part of this new challenge in my life. Everything has happened so fast, my head still spins when I think about how little time has passed since I was diagnosed with breast cancer. June 10th…

I have a couple new scars to add to my heart shaped one: A crescent moon on one breast and an ugly 2 inch scar under my arm where they took out the lymph nodes. That one hurt the most. For the first few days after the surgery I was drugged up because it was hard for me to move around without being in pain. It was hard to breathe, I couldn’t sit up. Thank God for my mom, she stayed to take care of me. And most importantly, fed me my pills.

Now it’s 2 weeks since my surgery and my stitches are gone and I’m feeling a little more like myself, I know I still have chemo and radiation coming up, but knowing the cancer is out makes me feel a little lighter.

When I look in the mirror now, I still look like the same person, feel the same, but I can see the scars. When I see them, I remember the pain, I feel my fear return and my scars remind me….I have a long road ahead of me. I don’t know what I can do to make this easier, I just know that I have to. And this will be very hard for me to do.

I see my oncologist next week…I’m gonna lose my hair!